i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
