bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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