My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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