Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So here I am, sexting at work.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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