I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
