too bad you live with your parents still
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
