Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
