I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
