please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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