one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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