I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
