the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
