So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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