oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
