I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize