look no pants
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
