Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
