I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
