I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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