Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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