I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
