I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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