If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
