rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
