youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
