The police scanner is talking about you again....
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
