You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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