Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
