dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
