I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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