I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
