Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
