You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
