Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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