R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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