I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
