Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
