Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
