Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
