can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
