its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
