I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Slut skills are useful in every country.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
