The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I met the friendliest cop last night
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
