Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
