Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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