maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
