1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
