I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Drunk is a universal language darling
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