I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
