cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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