i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
