You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
