Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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