Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
