Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
