I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
