nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
